Up and away , into the future...

I know its been a while since I was here... Leave alone share a few thoughts and words..Well, what better day to make a start than right after a fun Scrabble game with a friend...  We exchanged more than just tiles and words, read on to know more.... 

Was playing scrabble the other day with my neighbour Priya.. I was winning and then she started using fancy words, some of which I hadn't heard before. Got me curious and I asked her what was up?! She smiled and played her move.. Few minutes later, casually she began sharing her latest news- I was silent awhile.. She asked if i was contemplating my next move. I told her I was zapped happy and ecstatic. She had decided to pursue a long lost dream. I took a few sips of my coffee and braced myself for more.. We had spoken about hopes and dreams, aspirations and fantasies and so much more.. She mentioned signing up with one of the best IAS training Center in Chennai and I quizzed her on it for a good half hour there on...  She had recently joined the Chinmaya IAS Academy and was raving about how good they were...

Oh wow, how things change.... I hadn't met her for 6 months and her entire life had taken a turn, for the better. She had shifted gears and taken decisions. I was so proud of her. As she played her move, she told me that she had not decided overnight, it had taken a month before she actually went and signed up with a civil service coaching centre in chennai we had read about few months ago, taking a big step and pushing her limits. She was petrified nervous and anxious. Her parents were surprised, especially cos she was also talking about pushing her marriage by few years. Coming from a conservative family, I can imagine the drama that must have unfolded. Her father was the 1st one to speak, and he said "Go for it", dont worry about amma, she will come around & even boast about your accomplishments.. 

It was then I remembered how my gramma had told me she secretly hoped I would get into the services. I was flabbergasted when she confessed and told her she should have told me and pushed me ahead. I was clueless when I was finishing school and did courses that I wish I hadnt, rather I wish I had had someone to guide me better and show me what I was capable of. Oh well~!! 

Anyways, I made my move, it was now Priya's turn to play and her next word was "Compete".. Well, here we go....I made my next move "Dream" using the one blank tile I had .. We continued the game, nibbling on snacks and breaking our heads to come up with bigger better words...

Bursting at the seams

You dont ask if I am busy
You dont ask if I have other plans
You just assume am gonna drop all I am doing/planned and come over
You dont think twice before lashing out orders
You dont think twice before revealing your true feeling
You make me feel invisible.

There are times when all I want is a kind word
or maybe a smile

There are times when I cry to myself to sleep

and wake up with 

tears rolling down my cheeks

I know you dont even care... 

You dont seem to understand

You dont seem to care

You dont get the concept of feelings

nor the concept of space

And I remain invisible

You treat me as if I was on a leash

You treat me like am your slave

You cry and whine

You laugh and chatter away

Yet I remain invisible

People say it is alright

It is only you

I am to forgive

and you do all this for you love

People say if not with you

who else can she act this way

Not done- I tell them

Not fair- to me! 

Put them in my shoes

and let us see

How they fare, or what they say!! 

The feeling of being invisible.

Painful way to live..

I turn to my friends

They are my only solace

You hate them as well

You care not that they care about me

To them, I am not invisible.

Every time the phone rings

Every time I hear your voice

I wonder what next you have

for me to fulfill 

I bend over backwards

I put you as priority

and 

Yet, you thrash away with those words

I wish I was invisible 

I wish I wasn't here...~!!! 

(c) Aarti 24th March 2014 

Nobody

Suddenly out of the blue, I cooked up this verse in my head. Wanted to pen it down before I forgot, for I really liked it and connected with it.

Who am I
But a nobody!

I wanted to shout out
screams contained in my head

Who am I
But a nobody!

I wanted to reach out
rationality restricted at the door

Who am I
But a nobody!

I knew you were wrong

reasoning flew right out the window

Who am I

But a nobody!

I felt suffocated

words that were being held back

Who am I

But am Me!

I did want to make sense
I yearned to show you some light

Who am I
But am Me!

You reached out
to cry, to vent, to lash out

You took my hand
to console, to agree with you

The shangles broke
I was free

Who am I
But am Me!

I voiced my thoughts
I shared my concerns
I knew it was not my place
to do just so

Who am I
But am Me.

You stared in silence
Angry and broken
You refused to listen
you let go...

Who am I
But am Me!

I listen
I hear you
But am Me!
I refuse to stay silent
I shall not simply be!
But am Me!

(c) Aarti 5th March 2014

[Image courtesy adriencfrr.blogspot.com]

[Tag] My life in Six Words

Thanks Gayu for the tag, I must say I quite liked your 6 word memoir, esp the 2nd one on "Aspired to Inspire before I Expire"

To sum up my life in 6 words, not that difficult. Why? Because I have had this in mind for as long as I can remember and this is how I would like to be remembered after am gone...

I now pass on the baton to Clement, a financial services professional with quite a sense of humour and wit. he blogs here and can be found lurking about twitter under the handle @vadapoche [Btw, this post is a part of CBC's six word memoir tag.]

Image courtesy: tinyhandsonline.com 

Conversation with God

Here goes a conversation between a 5yr old and God

5yr old- Good morning God, please let me my mother let me go out and play. Please let there be no summer camp today

God: what a sweet child. Go ahead, i grant you your wishes

5yr old: Yayy, what a fun day today is going to be. Ma, can i go out and play for sometime? I want to try the new top dadda got me

Mom: yes, go ahead. dont go too far.

5yr old: Yes amma. I wont. [goes out to play]

Bad man whisks her away and rapes/abuses her, literally killing her in the process... 

The 5yr old today: God, I need to talk to you, where are you?

God:  yes my child

5yr old: What is wrong with me? Why did that man do what he did?

God: *silence*

5yr old: what did I do? was I a bad girl like amma says?

God: *silence*

5yr old: You only made me like this no.. tell me why I am in pain now?

God: *silence*

5yr old: what will happen to me now? everybody around me is staring at me, I am scared

God: *silence*

5yr old: is it wrong that I wanted to play? is it because I prayed that there be no summer camp that day?

God: *silence*

5yr old: Will you find and punish the bad man for me please?

God: *silence*... I sure will.. 

5yr old: thank you.. and make sure nobody else goes through what i have. I don't want such bad things to happen to anybody else.. 

God: *silence*

5yr old: *cries in pain* and turns away.............. 

Mom: shut up, dont cry.. people will hear you... *God knows what other ill luck is going to be bestowed upon us*  

Everytime something like this happens, I wonder - God is the one who created us, He is the one who put ideas and thoughts in our head, and so I wonder- why He made MEN the way they are, esp the rapists, abusers, murderers ---> criminals of all kinds....

She

She ran around playing
her mother had made sure she was never alone

She was a good girl
books, the village pup and her one friend were her world
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
She walked cautiously
stealing glances from the corner of her eye

She held on to her dress
eyes big and scared, looking as if she might cry

She felt dirty
wondered why that man had asked her to take off her clothes

She felt the pain
her body ached in places she dint know existed

She knew not what it was
her mind was blank, while the rest of her just floated

She wanted to reach home
hoping to find some comfort in her mother's pallu

She broke the silence
her parents shunned her, calling her names

She was all of 6
how on earth could she have invited this demon on her

She met her fate
the village well, that was the only answer she sought solace in.

(c) Aarti 19th April 2013

Every morning i wake up to a news of a child raped, abused somewhere in the country/world. Makes me sad, makes me feel helpless. Yesterday's news about a 5yr old who'd been raped by a neighbor was just too horrifying. I cant even begin to imagine what that little one is going through. I know a lot of 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 yr olds and I only pray to God that they are all kept safe... I want each and every one of us to take it upon ourselves to educate, teach, and protect the children around us...

Submitting this post for the Child Sexual abuse awareness month theme run by Chennai Bloggers Club....

Serene Sunday.... Her space

"Are you sleeping? Oh ok, carry on, wont wake you up. It is nearly 8am, where you up late last night? too much work is it? why?" a barrage of questions rattled her in the half asleep state. She was shaken up, could feel her body shaking. This is what happens when you dont get enough rest/sleep. She tried drawing the covers over her head and drowning out the sounds, but it dint seem possible. They were all around overpowering. She sat up on the bed, staring into space. He continued talking, saying things, about morning coffee, how one should sleep early, not go out and be gone till late into the night, stay put at home and what not. It was getting to her, creeping into her body like poison after a snake bite or a scorpion's sting [not that she knew what either felt like, she had only seen them on Discovery Channel]

Ah, the only ray of hope was that it was Saturday! Her day of escape. In 2hours she would be gone and then it would be sheer bliss. No constant instructions, no rules, no whining or cribbing. She would be in her safe place, happy and chilled out. She had big plans for the weekend, from completing that pending project to catching a movie with a friend. She also wanted to cook that one dish that stood out among the lot from the workshop. Making a mental list of things to buy, she got off the bed and headed to the restroom. "*Tap Tap Tap*, oh, no hurry, take our time. Could you just turn on the stairwell light please...." 

"umm, give me 2mins" she yelled out only to hear "Could you just turn on the stairwell light please...." again.. Aargggggggggggggggh... nowhere to hide in this house. She told herself to be calm and spend the next 2 hours with no verbal exchanges or spats! She quietly made her cup of tea, checked her handbag to see if the keys were there and packed 2 sets of clothes in the bag she had bought in Goa. Out of the corner of her eye she could see her aunt walk into the room and sit on the sofa. 

"So, you are going today also? Hmmm, ok, but I will be going to the temple tomorrow, uncle will be alone, can you stay back? I dont want to leave him home alone... you know why.. " 

Muttering a few curse words, she controlled her voice and replied "no worries, will come back in the morning and be here tomorrow". But for now, she was out the door to her space, her place, the 750 sq feet that was all hers. She opened the door to her apartment, dumped her bag near the entrance, headed straight to the bedroom, plugged in the iPod and plonked on the bed. Ah, peace at last... *was there a knock on the door?* Nyah, there was nobody to knock!

Submitting this for Serene Sunday theme from Chennai Bloggers Club. 

Salty Saturday... a dash of love

You walk away

Without a glance

afar 

I stand

waiting patiently

frozen

Empty stares and glares

Passerby throw

freely

I sit

tired and weary

hopeful

You come running

excitement I see 

glowing

I rise tall 

only to tumble 

grounded

You come crashing 

hugs and love

engulf

Ah, I love you too 

breaking away

silence

Ah how i long

for those beautiful eyes

you

Black with white patches

all of 5yrs 

mine............. :-) 

These words are for my sweetheart, Floppy [ incase you dont know who this is, He is my doggie, more than just a dog, he is a friend, my confidante and my lover boy]. Everytime I get back home, he gives me the biggest smile, a few minutes of whining[complaints] and lots of love.. 

Wonder what I would do if he wasnt around... :-) 

This is submitted for the Salty Saturday Theme from Chennai Bloggers Club

Hold on..

The swish of the wind 

bellowing in my ears

Taking me back,to

days flown by.

Memories flooding my thoughts

Alternating- happy and sad,

I held on tight

to today's dreams .

Reaching for the stars

like i always do

Little drops of doubt

lingered in my mind.

Challenges and learnings

i hope to gain

Was that all it took

to complete my life?

Aspirations, i had many

cached in the chest within my heart

knew not when i shall unleash em

Hoped i did.

"That day too shall come"

my inner voice chided

jolting me back to today

hope and dreams 

Here i come....

Aaarti (c) 4th April '10

Path

The road ahead
winding and long
footsteps,and shadow
are all i see coming along

Where does it lead to
am tempted to ask
Adventure and excitement
i put on the mask

In the distance
i see a faint glow
something pushes me ahead
like pebbles fighting against the river flow

Where does it lead to do
i dare wonder?
Or wait for the discovery
Oh yonder?

Time flies by
with the baby hand on the clock
My life, i hope
is what the path will unlock.........


Aaarti (c) 18th Mar 2010
[pic taken by me in mahabalipuram, near chennai]

[55er] The Game

“Wanna try? I’ll teach you”, she offered

“Sure, why not! But you better remember i’ve never done it before”, I countered

“Hold on to this stick with your right hand, move your legs like this” she taught me

Nervous and excited, I gave it a shot

Thwack...

Oh, There it goes..rolling into the hole.. Yayy!!

[err, this story was inspired by my 1^st game at Pool last evening at friends’ office club... J]

Within me

All of 18
she shoots questions
day in and day out

making me look within
am i so bad?
or is she just lost?
Who would know, i wonder..

questions, i know not the answer to
life, i've lived by my own rules
renewing vows every day
enjoying every moment
or so i thought...

"What have you accomplished"
she asked.
a line that ripped my heart and soul,
tears flowing free

how could she?
how dare she?
i screamed
i ranted and raved
[within me]


life, a cruel game
rules i seem to have forgotten

my turn..


lost, i stand
i wish i knew why......................

Aaarti

The Future...

As we race through the days
time it runs ahead
thoughts and wishes leading us
on...

With every step i take
future i urge to grab
dreams and hope keeping me
strong....

work on and struggle some more
grab the books and get going
where does my future lie, i
wonder....

like a rat in the race
chasing and overtaking
time and time on, we forge
on...

"Enough!", not just a mere word
putting a halt,
dawning upon us, the value of
Life................

At that moment....

Entered my life,
like a wave against the shore
Slowly sneaking in

At that moment
knew not what struck me
but i knew,
a friend in you, i had found

Day in and day out
Words and unspoken silence
filled gaps between us
Slowly bridging the gap

At that moment
knew not  why we connected
but i knew,
a friend in you, i had found

Time wore on
Gap fading away

enveloping me in your
love and warmth

At that moment
knew not my life was going to change
but i knew,
a friend in you, i had found

Months have gone by
Your life has changed
celebrations i was a part of
Oh, how Special i was made to feel!!

At that moment
knew not i had earned a new family
But i knew
not just a friend, but some more i had found....

This poem is dedicated to a dear darling friend of mine, Dee... She came into my life about 8mths back and now, we are thick as thieves and close as hell... Love her and her entire family!!!!!
God bless you girl.... :)

Words are all i got

Type i do
hundred a minute;
Speak i do
dime a dozen

Mind of mine
runs as fast as it can,
Brain trying hard
to catch up and stay focussed

Plenty of times
lose track of reality,
Dreams and castles
i build in air and around me.

Crash boom bang
jolted back to reality
"Ah, found you finally"
they exclaim!

did i want to be found??
loving it, running amidst my fantasies
safe and protected
knowing there is no pain or hurt

"Life", i know, is built on hopes
and wishes
do they come alive?
or are they just lost?
as lost as me?

Aaarti (c) 28th April '08

Random thots floating in my head as i saw that picture, so i let it wander away..... :-)

[Writers Island] She stares...

For this week's prompt on Writer's Island..

walking into the room
light shining
in the corner of her eyes

strides across the floor
wrapping hands around shoulder
keeping her soul warm

sun begins to set
gentle rays streaming
through the crack in the window

spellbound
she watches in awe

feeling safe and warm
alone, at last
she sits...
she stares...

Aaarti (c) 17th march 08 @ 11.38pm[IST]

Life's journey

My journey of life begun
That fateful Sunday morn
My eyes opened to see this world
My soul,and heart emerged alive
lo,behold my journey had begun!

That little child with time has grown
Yes! Time sure has flown
A lot has been learnt,mostly on my own....

With ups and downs
With tears and laughter
With stupidity and wisdom
With friends and ove
I have found a means of celebration
That will one day lead me to my destination

Tick tock, the clock ticks away
Minute by minute,hours fly
Tick tock, flows my journey
I have searched, questioned and found some answers

But I am still on this journey
My passion for life which was once raw
Tuned over the years as i trudged along
Know now, life's journey, it never never ends
For every end, is a new beginning

Aaarti (c) 19th April 07

Boss

I thought about you earlier today
flashes of memory haunting me.
I see your face when i look outside
hiding behind that giant tree.

I often find my self,
calling your name,
I so wish you were here
every time we play that game.

You’ve helped my through some rough
times, Lord, knows you were always there.
I used to think you look so smart,
the way you’d sit and stare.

You’d always lend a thoughtful ear,
a problem you’d never miss. And I miss
the way, on my cheek you’d lay
a little doggy kiss.

I know you’re gone for good now, though
it is hard for me to see. That you won’t
come when I call your name, it will always
be just me.

I know you didn’t leave me empty handed,
you left me a part of you. And, I will always
remember how much you loved me, and the
thoughtful things you’d do.

It is hard for me,
Yes it is,
It is hard for me to say
goodbye, so rest in peace, my Boss.

Aaarti @16th June @ 1am

WRitten in memory of my sweet angel, Boss, lived 10good years with us and went up to Heaven!!!Lvoe u girl!!!

[fiction] Threads of life

“Hi Shyam! Welcome home”
“Hello Shyam! It’s so good to see you”
“Hello, Beta! It’s been so long”

Shyam had heard so many voices surrounding him as he had made his way home. Sharad, Seema, his grandmother were all so happy to see him. It had been long, his last visit was way back in December 2000. Since then two years had flown by, but what could he do? his education, completion of PhD had to take place before he could plan a trip home.

Upon hearing the door open, he was jolted back to reality. No sooner had he stepped over the threshold, his eyes had scanned the room to locate his father.

He had spotted his father standing at the far end of the room holding a beautiful garland made of lovely red roses. Shyam reflects on how he had seen his father in the exact same position about 3years ago when he, Shyam had rushed home upon receiving news that his mother had passed away.

Shyam had walked up to his dad, who held him in a tight embrace for a few seconds, before letting go and handing over the garland. “Shyam, place this garland on your mother’s picture and take her blessings” is all he had whispered.

As Shyam made his way to what used to be his parent’s room, now being used by his kid sister Seema, tears had filled his eyes almost blinding him. He could recall that rainy day 3years ago, he even remembered the date, it was August 10,1997, when he had answered the call that shattered his world .

His dad has followed him into the room and tapped him on his shoulder bringing him back to reality. His father smiled and told him “Son, she would have been so proud of you and what you have achieved” .It was her dream that you study further and accomplish something for yourself instead of joining the family garment export business as your brother, Sharad did.

The day had worn by and everyone had retired to their rooms after dinner. Shyam had been in his room trying to sleep, but sleep evaded him. He had got out of bed and walked across the living room to the one he visited that morning. His sister was fast asleep holding a picture of his mom, a habit she had developed right his mother’s passing away. He had walked upto his mother’s picture that hung on the wall, ran his hand through the silk threads that had held the roses together. His mother was so like the threads, she had held the family together and happy; never giving up, always ready to please, giving in to their whims and fancies. She was the thread that made sure there were no difference of opinions between father and son, between siblings and everyone else who were a part of their lives.

Roses were her favourite flowers, for she used to say, “Roses are like life, inspite of being covered in thorns, the plant manages to give out such a pretty flower. Just as we should all learn to take things in our stride and not let it get to our head. This she said, “Would spoil the relationship and that we have to learn to share what we have and give we must unconditionally”

The very day Shyam’s mother passed away, his father made a promise, and since then he had risen early every morning, gathered 20 roses from their garden and would sit in that particular chair in the porch making a beautiful garland using the same threads his mother had loved. This had become a routine that his father looked forward to and had never deterred from.

Oh, what a trip that had been for Shyam. And it was already two years since then and he sure was looking forward to seeing them all again

“Good Morning Shyam Beta, had your coffee yet?” jolts Shyam awake.

Shyam could hear his father ask from out in the porch.

A yawn slips out of his mouth and Shyam wakes up in his bed , where he’d slept the previous night , after a long tiring flight from Kuala Lumpur. He strolls out of the room to be greeted by the sight of his father doing the exact same thing that had become his routine ,making yet another garland.

...........

Ragamuffin Girl

Ragamuffin Girl

Plastic and paper strewn all over
as if toys in a playground
Trying to find my way
around the pit of goodies,
This is the place i am
Oh so familiar with,
My private playground
as i love to call it.

Wish i had a home with comfort
family i lost and here i am,
My little feet
taking me as far as it can.
Looking and searching
all day along,
Bag i need to fill to the brim,
need to earn my daily living.

Filth or grime,i no longer despise
Stench, no longer revolts me
Trash, i have learnt- is part of my life
Begging and Scrounging is my job
Nine to five are not my only working hours
Always awake,always on the move
Gotta keep on going,searching.... for more loot.

Aarti @ 22/4/05